The holiday season is a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. However, with the festivities come the inevitable conflicts that arise in our relationships. Whether it's a disagreement over holiday plans, family traditions, or just the stress of the season, conflicts are bound to happen. This holiday season, let's explore a guide to understanding and navigating these conflicts by delving into five common conflict styles.

I think it is important to first talk about how many of us who are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD experience conflict.  For some we are avid conflict avoiders and any form of conflict is felt in our bodies in a really big and visceral way, for others it may be that when conflict happens we shutdown or withdraw, while there are some who feel an immediate need to resolve the conflict right then and there because the idea of continuing the conflict is just as upsetting or more so than addressing it in the moment.  Each of these responses are part of how we navigate stress and conflict.  None is wrong or bad, it is just our natural response to distress.

Yielder: Spreading the Holiday Cheer through Gratifying Others

Strengths: Willing to sacrifice for others, the Yielder embodies the spirit of giving during the holidays. They're often the peacemakers, putting others' needs above their own.

Challenges: Be wary of the Yielder becoming too passive-aggressive or overly concerned with being liked. Their selflessness might lead to unspoken frustrations.

Key Question: "How is my response affecting how I see myself in relation to others this holiday season?"

Withdrawer: Taking a Timeout from Tinsel Tensions

Strengths: Withdrawing during conflict provides an opportunity to calm down and process. This can be especially beneficial in the hustle and bustle of holiday chaos.

Challenges: However, avoidance may create a pattern of not addressing problems, leading to unresolved issues lurking beneath the festive surface.

Key Question: "How can I honor my need for space while working to resolve the conflict amid the holiday hustle?"

Compromiser: Caroling in Harmony

Strengths: The Compromiser is like a skilled conductor, orchestrating harmony in holiday conflicts. They are good listeners and prioritize reconciliation, making the season more enjoyable for everyone.

Challenges: Be mindful of prioritizing respect over truth and compromising personal desires. The Compromiser might find themselves yielding too much.

Key Question: "How does this person's response affect how I see myself, especially during the season of goodwill?"

Winner: Clearing the Holiday Air

Strengths: The Winner resolves issues swiftly, ensuring a smooth flow of holiday festivities. They use their energy wisely in communication, preventing conflicts from overshadowing the joy of the season.

Challenges: Yet, their success-driven attitude might lead to misunderstandings about others' motives, potentially causing tension.

Key Question: "What is my motive behind resolving this conflict, and how can I honor the other person during this season of giving?"

Resolver: Bringing Holiday Solutions

Strengths: The Resolver actively seeks solutions and closure in conflicts, making them essential during the holiday season's hustle. They are determined to ensure everyone can enjoy the festivities without lingering tensions.

Challenges: However, their assertiveness might be perceived as confrontational, so finding a balance is key.

Key Question: "How can I ensure that my assertiveness is constructive in resolving this conflict and fostering holiday cheer?"

This holiday season, understanding your conflict style can transform how you navigate and resolve conflicts. Take a moment to reflect on recent conflicts and identify your primary conflict style. 

Share this insight with your loved ones to enhance communication and foster a harmonious holiday atmosphere. 

Remember, the true magic of the season lies in the joy we share, and by understanding our conflict styles, we can ensure that joy prevails for everyone over tension during this festive time.

Understanding these styles helps navigate conflict dynamics. It's important to slow down, take a deep breath, and ask reflective questions. This builds awareness of your conflict style and why you respond a certain way. Developing this awareness helps you grow and become a more effective communicator.

Exercise

• Reflect on a recent conflict you’ve experienced.

• Identify which conflict style(s) you leaned towards. When do you notice using this style?  Is it with a specific person or overall?

• How does understanding your conflict style improve your conflict resolution skills?

RESOURCE

Respond Mindfully to Stress based on your Enneagram Type

(Not sure of your Enneagram Type?  Take the Enneagram Quiz Here: https://www.truity.com/test/enneagram-personality-test )

Enneagram One:

When you are activated by imperfection or messing up…notice your tendency toward criticism towards self and others.

Enneagram Two:

When you are activated by rejection (real or perceived)...notice your tendency toward manipulation, possessiveness.

Enneagram Three:

When you are activated by failure or fear of failure…notice your tendency toward self deceit, or emotional denial.

Enneagram Four: 

When you are activated by lack of significance or identity…notice your tendency toward jealousy or ingratitude. 

Enneagram Five:

When you are activated by scarcity of physical or emotional resources…notice your tendency toward hoarding or collecting/greed.

Enneagram Six:

When you are activated by threat of danger or insecurity…notice your tendency toward hypervigilance or negative outlook.

Enneagram Seven:

When you are activated by boredom…notice your tendency toward overindulgence or hastiness.

Enneagram Eight:

When you are activated by feelings of weakness or powerlessness…notice your tendency toward excessiveness or control.

Enneagram Nine:

When you are activated by relational disconnection…notice your tendency toward self-numbing or people pleasing.

Here at Mind Your Autistic Brain we teach the foundation of “Compassionate Curiosity” about self and others.  Don’t forget to use this heart, perspective and lens as you move throughout the holidays.

Knowing your Conflict Style is just as important as your Communication Styles when it comes to successfully building and nurturing relationships both professional and personal.  In our Neurodiverse Communication EcoSystem, Dr. Ali Arena and I teach these communication key elements and so much more.  Learn more about the Neurodiverse Communication EcoSystem:  https://resources.mindyourautisticbrain.com/services 

Wishing you a joyful and harmonious holiday season,

Carole Jean